Easing the Stress of a Divorce

Even in the most amicable divorces, when children are involved, the best of situations can be difficult. Children certainly are not responsible for the divorce, but their welfare is affected. Parents going through divorce often believe that shielding their children from the stress and anguish they feel is in the children’s best interest. Regardless of parents’ good intentions, children often find themselves caught in an emotional whirlpool. What children need most is support and reassurance during the time of transition and stress.

Parents can help their children understand that the family will learn to adapt to new schedules, new environments and new ways of communicating. In this way parents help relieve some of the accompanying stress for the children.

Four common factors that may lead to stress for children include change, loss of attachment, fear of abandonment and hostility between parents. Change is inevitable with divorce. Children may have to adjust to new schedules and new routines associated with mealtime and bedtime. Children become attached to parents, brothers, sisters and pets. Changes in quantity of contact time between family members often results. Contact time and frequency with friends and extended family members such as grandparents and cousins may be affected. Children often fear that if they have lost one parent through divorce, they may lose the other. They may blame themselves, feel unloved or not feel safe. A child may worry about who will take care of them and their day-to-day needs. Children whose parents are not divorcing may hear friends talk about divorce and this may
create confusion and fear for them.

Arguments and tension between parents may make children feel guilty, angry and alone. Forcing children to take sides or turn against the other parent creates confusion for the children and places them in the middle of an adult struggle. It is important to make clear that the divorce is between the parents and not the children. Children react differently to divorce. Reactions include relief and complete acceptance to great sadness, anger or anxiety.

Children are innocent bystanders in most marriages that end in divorce. Studies show that divorce is a source of stress for some children and can result in a decline of well-being. On the other hand, some children will breeze through with few negative effects. Some children actually will show improvement following divorce.

For young children, play is the primary means of expressing feelings. Sometimes parents can tell how children are feeling
by watching their play or by playing with them. Take care not to impose your opinions on the child’s feelings during play. Join in play only if asked. If your child feels you are directing instead of just playing, he or she will feel uncomfortable. Suggested play items that can help children express feelings include sand, water, board games, painting, finger-painting, drawing, play dough and puppets.

Talking about the family situation is im portant. Choose the right words to discuss sensitive issues with children. Most counselors say that children who cope best with divorce are those who, after divorce, continue to have a stable, loving relationship with both parents and have regular, dependable visits from the nonresidential or non-custodial parent.