Although it has been unusually hot this summer, we have received just enough rainfall to keep our lawns growing vigorously. If you are like me, every time you look out the window, it seems that the lawn needs mowing again.

A friend of mine recently sent the following humorous story to me as an E-mail message. Let me use this opportunity to share it with you. Hopefully, it will break some of the boredom of monotonous day after day with the thermometer registering close to 100 degrees.

This could very well be a conversation between God and St. Francis as they gaze down upon the vast lands of the United States, observing the unusual activities of those of us who live here.

God observes casually for a few minutes, and then says to St. Francis, "You know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there in the United States? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistles, and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type soil, will withstand drought, and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honeybees, and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of color by now. All I see are patches of green."

St. Francis observed for a minute and replied, "It's the tribes that settled down there. They are called Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass."

God exclaimed, "Grass? But grass is boring, it's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, bees, or birds, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want grass growing there?"

St. Francis replied, "Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it has grown a little, they cut it with mowing machines, sometimes two times every week."

"They cut it? Do they bale it like hay?" replied the Lord.

"Not exactly," replied St. Francis. "Most of them rake it up and put it in bags."

"They bag it?" exclaimed the Lord. "Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?"

"No Sir," replied St. Francis. "It's just the opposite. They throw it away."

God replied, "Now let me get this straight. They fertilize it to make it grow, and when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?"

"Yes Sir," replied St. Francis.

"These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat," replied God. "That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work."

"You aren't going to believe this Lord," replied St. Francis. "When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it."

"What nonsense," exclaimed the Lord. "At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep the moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves become compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life."

"You'd better sit down, Lord," replied St. Francis. "As soon as the leaves fall, the Suburbanites rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away."

"No way!" exclaimed God. "What do they do to protect the shrubs and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?"

To this, St. Francis replied, "After throwing the leaves away, they go out and buy something called mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves."

And God asked, "And where do they get this mulch?"

"They cut down the trees and grind them up to make mulch," replied St. Francis.

"That's enough," exclaimed God. "I don't want to think about this anymore."

Then God turns to St. Catherine who is in charge of the arts and asks, "And what do these Suburbanites do while they are not cutting their grass?"

To this St. Catherine replied, "they sit in their houses and watch movies like Dumb and Dumber."

That's enough of this nonsense. Now it's time to go mow my grass.

E-mail address: Everett_Davis@ncsu.edu

Mailing Address:
P. O. Box 2280
Lumberton, NC 28359-2280

Phone: 910-671-3276
Fax: 910-671-6278

Date Created 08/10/06