Every family needs a sense of tradition and a spirit of flexibility...a way to stand and a way to bend. Changes of location, scheduling, and relationships often mix up family routines and traditions. But families can invent new ways of helping, healing, and being happy together. Creating everyday ways of caring, having fun, and working out problems doesn't take a lot of time, money, or energy. It does take creativity, cooperation, and commitment to spend a few minutes every week. Your family can create new rituals, or habits and events, build great traditions and increase your flexibility in handling life's challenges.
Rituals: The Patterns of Family Life
Most of us think of rituals as the major, formal events that mark life's turning points: weddings, baby showers, graduations, funerals. We also talk about the daily ritual of waking and getting off to school or work, weekend rituals of completing chores or relaxing at the lake, seasonal rituals of lawn care or soccer practice. Rituals such as birthday parties are eagerly anticipated; nightly struggles over bedtime often become dreaded rituals. Whatever the event, the predictable pattern of setting the scene, doing the work, and relating to others creates what we call a ritual.
Purposes of Family Rituals
Family rituals fulfill five key purposes. Focusing on each purpose may
help your family invent habits and special events to enrich life together:
1. Relating: Communicating, caring, problem solving, balancing individual
and together time
ex: Teaching preschoolers communication rules such as taking turns (vs.
interrupting) and making requests (vs. making demands)
ex: Setting aside time for parent/one child events/talks, with the
child choosing what to do
ex: Using puppets, cartoons, stand-up comedy, or letter-writing to
work through conflicts
2. Changing: Adapting to new stages of development, crisis, or the flow of events
ex: Teaching times to show children how to organize a room, learn a hobby, drive a car (or times for parents to learn home care, community leadership and times to help an aging parent adapt to losses)
ex: Creating fun times, support times, work times for all members when one is in the hospital
ex: Continuing inexpensive family recreation (trips to park, exercise, game playing, crafts or singing) when parents are unemployed or extremely busy--"time out" in the midst of high stress
ex: Planning a weekly schedule together; Using a "time's up" signal or "we'll be ready in five minutes" reminder to aid transitions;
3. Healing: Acts of forgiveness and recovery from loss
ex: Planting a flower/tree or cooking a meal together as a sign of cooperation and reconciliation
ex: Visiting a gravesite, creating empathy cards, placing a flower on the table in memory, telling stories about a loved one or past experience to "remember the positive"
4. Believing: Affirming family values, faith, life experiences
ex: Nightly or monthly times to read educational or inspirational literature
ex: Special family crafts such as home-made ornaments or recipes for cultural or religious holidays
ex: Time set aside for community service andor assistance to neighbors in need
5. Celebrating: Special events recognizing holidays, accomplishments
ex: Theme parties to recall great successes, overcoming of difficulties, or events shared together
ex: Toasts (non-alcoholic where appropriate) to health, family, good fortune, etc. at dally/weekly meal
Adapted from Evan Imber-Black & Janine Roberts (1992). Rituals in our times. New York: HarperCollins, p.123.
Inventing New Rituals
Creating Family Rituals
Drawing from past experience, think of how each element contributes to an event special to you (birthday, family reunion, picnic, holiday celebration, etc.): Time of Day/Year/Lifetime; Place; Oral Elements (eating, talking, kissing); Scent; Light or Darkness; Music; Words; Movement or Stillness; Dress/Decoration; Symbols; Exchange of Gifts, Stories or Promises; People Involved & Roles; Organization and Flow of Events.
Adapted from a list of elements of family rituals by Jean Illsley Clarke (1993) Rituals can enhance our lives, Minneapolis: Family Information Services M&M, pp. 51-52.
Evaluating Family Rituals
Select a...
daily ritual (wake up/get out, mealtimes, commute home, pet care, homework,
evening entertainment, bedtime),
weekly ritual (weekend leisure, shopping, weeknight activity, laundry, home cleanup),
monthly ritual (paying bills, hosting friends, special entertainment or trip),
seasonal ritual (sports or music practice, events; hunting or fishing, gardening, Spring cleaning or painting), or yearly ritual (vacation, birthday, holiday)
...and evaluate its meaning, pleasures and pains, and potential improvements from each family member's point of view. Use the following categories to brainstorm:
Family member: ___________________________
Family Event:_____________________________
Pleasures Pains Improvements
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Preparation
-Steps to get ready------------------------------------------------------------------------------
People
-Roles of participants----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Place
-Location, size, comfort--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Participation
-Amount, type of involvement--------------------------------------------------------------------
Presents
-Gifts, benefits-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Adapted from Evan Imber-Black & Janine Roberts (1992). Rituals in our times. New York: HarperCollins, p.300.
