Prepared by
Wayne Matthews, Human Development Specialist
and
Members of the CEMP 09 Planning Team
North Carolina Cooperative Extension Service
North Carolina State University
Self-Esteem
Program Description
1. Self-esteem is important for at least two reasons: First, we tend to act consistently with our beliefs and feelings about ourselves. If we believe something is true, that belief affects our actions just as though it were actually true. Second, our perceptions of the world around us are filtered through our self-esteem; our beliefs about ourselves act as a screen that may distort our world-view. In this session we will discuss the meaning and importance of positive self-esteem, preparing ourselves for positive change, and positive esteem builders.
Program Objectives
- To develop an understanding of positive self-care in the building of self-esteem.
- To discuss the importance of personal positive self-esteem as necessary to building positive self-esteem in children.
- To explore ways to build positive self-esteem in self and others.
- To develop an action plan for strengthening self-esteem.
Intended Audience Young families / Parents with children age 5 through 6th grade.
Materials Needed
- Overhead projector
- Transparencies included in lesson plan
- Pencils for everyone
- Handouts included in lesson plan
Topics and Suggested Time Frame
Introduction / Ice Breaker......................
20 minutes
The Importance of Taking Care of Yourself..
25 minutes
Children and Self-esteem.......................
15 minutes
Break..............................................
10 minutes
Your Role As A Parent..........................
10 minutes
Quick Questions.................................
3 minutes
Positive Esteem Builders.......................
24 minutes
Action Plan for Strengthening Self Esteem...
8 minutes
Introduction
Self-esteem is the value you place on what you believe to be true about yourself. How you see yourself and feel about yourself determines how much value you place on yourself as a person. Self-esteem means appreciating your own worth and importance and having the character to be accountable for yourself and to act responsibly toward others.
Positive self-esteem does not require that you be perfect. High self-esteem is the realization that you sometimes make mistakes, but you value yourself in spite of those mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes. What you do is different from who you are. Graciously accepting your shortcomings, and working on improving what you can, is an important first step in establishing positive self-esteem.
Positive beliefs are essential for positive self esteem. Each of us is uniquely beautiful, capable and lovable. Psychologists speak of innate goodness, basic human worth, and the undreamed-of possibilities hidden in our vast, untapped potential. This core of beauty, strength, and wisdom within each of us is the positive self.
The amount of positive self you express depends upon the choices you make. Tremendous potential lies within you, waiting to be discovered and used. You may choose to blame yourself and feel guilty because of your mistakes and shortcomings. Or you may choose to affirm yourself because of all your good qualities. Every decision you make either helps awaken the positive self or further blocks its expression. Make the choice to focus on the positive self, in yourself and others.
The Importance of Taking Care of Yourself
(Overhead #1)
Extending yourself to others before you have a clear understanding of who you are is a difficult task. There are several reasons for developing a positive view of yourself and taking care of yourself. First, your beliefs about yourself will influence your effectiveness in nurturing self-esteem in others. Unless you perceive yourself as valuable and worthwhile, you will be inexperienced in these positive feelings and you will be incapable of helping others develop them.
Second, much of your success and happiness in life will be determined by your level of self-esteem. When you feel positively about yourself, the whole world seems to be more positive. You have the emotional and mental energy to be more self-fulfilled. When your self-esteem is low, a lot of that energy is used to try to convince yourself and others that you are an okay person.
Third, strong, positive relationships with your spouse and children depend on you having a relatively high self-esteem. Your relationship with YOU is the core of all your relationships. That core relationship, how you see yourself, serves as a guide to other relationships. If your self-esteem is high, there is a good chance that your family relationships will be strong. On the other hand, if your self-esteem is low, your energies will be focused on your own needs rather than on your relationships with others.
You probably take good care of those things which are valuable to you. Taking good care of yourself, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually, is an indicator of how much you value yourself. Take time for yourself and help your spouse and children also find time to nurture themselves. Spend some time and energy on your own growth and development as a person. Do some things that you enjoy and that make you feel good about yourself.
(Overhead #2)
The possibilities are endless. Some activities you may choose to do alone, and others are most enjoyed with family members.
Spend time with people who make you laugh, and who are willing to listen and encourage the best in you. Positive emotions and positive people can make a big difference in you developing a stronger sense of self-esteem. The positive, or negative, attitudes of others can be contagious.
Putting It Into Practice ...
(FACILITATOR: Distribute copies of Handout #1 entitled My Cup Runneth Over. Completing this worksheet during the workshop is optional )
Explain to participants: The purpose of this worksheet is to help you identify what helps fill your "cup of self-esteem," and what things "dip out from" (or take away from) your self-esteem. You can do this exercise individually or with your family. If you do it with others, share your thoughts after completing the worksheet.
Children and Self-esteem
You, and your children, have a need to be wanted. If you want to strengthen a child's self-respect, your words and actions should convey these messages:
(Overhead #3)
I want to be your mother (or father).
I am interested in you and what happens to you.
I enjoy being with you.
You are a unique person with your own strengths and weaknesses.
You do not have to be different for me to accept you.
You and I have a relationship that is important to me.
Children who matter to their parents have higher self-esteem than those who are overlooked. Children who feel they do not matter to their parents are more likely to be depressed, anxious, and unhappy.
Your children can accept themselves if your expectations are compatible with their temperament, age, and their physical and intellectual capabilities. For example, expecting a small child to always act like a little adult, to keep a clean room all the time, to sit quietly through a two-hour church service, or to never get dirty is unrealistic. Children who believe they have to perform up to a parent's expectations in order to be accepted are likely to feel a diminished sense of self-worth.
(Overhead #4)
Every child needs to feel special. One of the worst experiences anyone can have is to be invisible, to be a non-person. You can show your children how important they are in a variety of ways. First, be available to your children. When they have questions about their world, try your best to answer them. If they want to tell you about their day, listen carefully. Turn off the television, and give your children your undivided attention once in awhile.
Second, involve them in your interests and hobbies. Share your life with them. Tell them stories of your own childhood. Teach them how to do certain things. Let them help you -- sure it will take more time to get the job done, but let them help anyway. If possible, take them to your workplace. Show them what their daddy or mamma does all those hours during the day. Your children will love being a part of your world.
Third, show interest in their activities. Go to open house at school and let them show you around, and show you what they do during the day. Listen to them practice the piano, even if they can't play like Mozart yet. When your children are performing, whether on the stage or on the ball field, try your best to be there. Listen, really listen, when they are talking to you. By doing these kinds of things you are telling your children that they are very special and very important to you.
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Your Role As A Parent
You, probably more than anyone else, greatly influence the development of self-esteem in your children. Children, especially small children, normally view their parents in very idealistic ways. To a child, whatever a parent says or does must be right. As a parent, what you say to your children, and how you say it, makes a lasting impression. How you look at your children, how you discipline them, how you express affection, how well you listen to them, and the amount of time you spend with them communicates to them how much they are valued. A child's self-esteem is normally established very early in life and is largely determined by the various ways in which parents relate to him or her.
Putting It Into Practice...
A sincere, from-the-heart compliment is a two way esteem builder: it boosts the self-esteem of both the giver and receiver. When does a compliment feel good to you? When does it not feel very good? At home, make a long list of self-esteem building messages such as a warm touch, a kind smile, "It's good to see you," "Good morning!," "I love you," "Superb!," or "Your hair looks great!" You might want to put your list on the refrigerator door as a reminder that compliments count toward stronger self-esteem.
Parents with low self-esteem may find their efforts to foster positive self-esteem in their children ineffective, or even harmful. Parents who feel inadequate may withdraw from the responsibilities of child-rearing. Parents who are preoccupied with their own failed dreams may set unreasonable goals for their children -- goals that are based on their own ambitions and not those of their children. Parents who feel powerless may use excessively severe discipline or become emotionally abusive. Parents who believe they are unloved and unlovable may emotionally smother their children.
An important first step in nurturing self-esteem in your children is to look inward to understand yourself better. You strengthen your self-esteem by first being aware of your own self-beliefs, and then confronting those beliefs that are irrational and destructive. Compare each pair of statements on the screen, and decide which statements sound most like you.
(Overhead #5)
One of the best ways to foster positive self-esteem in your children is to establish stronger self-esteem for yourself. The value you place on yourself will be communicated to your children. If they see you value yourself, they are more likely to value themselves.
Whatever you do, never give up on yourself or your children. Perseverance and patience are necessary to accomplish long-term change.
Quick Questions
(Overhead #6)
Answer the true or false questions on the screen. (Quick Question Answers provided below.)
T____ F____ 1. Your beliefs about yourself have nothing to do with your ability to nurture self-esteem in others.
T____ F____ 2. A high level of self-esteem will probably do more than anything else to make you happy.
T____ F____ 3. Children's self-esteem is determined primarily by the interactions with their parents.
Quick Questions Answers Question 1. The answer is false (F). You cannot give away what you don't have. Unless you see yourself as a valuable person, you will have a very difficult task fostering self-worth in others. Question 2. The answer is true (T). Along with high self-esteem comes qualities such as peace of mind, balanced lifestyle, and an overall sense fo well-being. Question 3. The answer is true (T). Because parents are normally the most important persons in the life of a child, the child's self-worth is largely determined by how the parents relate to him or her.
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While self-esteem is pretty well established early in childhood, human beings do have the capacity to change. You have the ability to analyze your life situation and determine which factors affect your self-esteem in a negative way. Once you know the source of your negative beliefs about yourself, you can take some action steps to change those beliefs into positive affirmations. You can learn to accept your mistakes and shortcomings, and begin to focus on your strengths. Your self-esteem is not likely to change dramatically overnight, but you can make small steps of progress toward greater self-fulfillment. Over time, those small steps will add up to significant change in how you value yourself. Here are several suggestions to help build your self esteem and to foster it in others.
(Overhead #7)
Make fresh starts. When negative thoughts and energy make reaching goals seem impossible, take a step back. Let go of the past and start again. Hanging on to past failures is defeating. Use those failures as lessons learned, and decide to do better today and in the future. Today really is the first day of the rest of your life. It is never too late to start over.
Seek solitude. Schedule regular periods of quiet time for yourself, and respect the quiet time of others. In moments of quiet solitude the positive self speaks loudly. A hectic, fast-paced world doesn't allow time for developing the inner self. Find your special place for time alone, and go there often. If possible, get back to nature and feel the wonder of how you fit in to the scheme of things. For example, take a long walk through a peaceful woods.
Listen carefully. When you deeply respect someone, you listen to what that person says. Do you listen to yourself as well? Begin to respect yourself more deeply. Listen to your body, your feelings, your thoughts, and the prompting of your inner guidance. The solutions to many of your problems lie within you. Learn to trust your own common sense.
Keep dreaming. Choose an objective or goal that forces you to strive. Be adventuresome. Dream of something you strongly value that also will benefit others. Dream about something special you want to create or be a part of. Dreams are what make life most worthwhile. Your dreams do not have to change the whole world. But even your smallest hopes and dreams can have an impact on your little corner of the world. You will make your life and the lives of others better because of your dreams.
Welcome challenges. Difficulties are gifts in disguise. Welcome them as challenges and opportunities designed to test and strengthen your self-esteem. A noted philosopher once said, "That which does not kill us, makes us stronger." Some of your best growth is likely to come as the result of experiencing difficult, challenging situations. Rather than letting the trials of life defeat you, use them as building blocks to greater fulfillment of self.
Care for your body. How does your body feel? Do you need more rest? Less tension? Less weight? Better posture? A healthier diet? Are you getting regular exercise that gives your heart and lungs a workout? Are you abusing your body with excessive drinking, smoking, or other destructive behavior? Your body reflects your self-esteem. Take good care of it.
Expect the best. Expecting the best possible outcome is a common trait shared by peak performers in every field. What you expect often has an uncanny way of actually happening. Some call it "self-fulfilled prophecy." Actually, your thought patterns about expectations guide your subconscious to work toward meeting those expectations, whether they are positive or negative. Be a possibility thinker.
Reach for the top. Strive for excellence with a positive attitude. Sure you have certain limitations, but don't limit yourself unnecessarily. You can do far more than you realize. Personal excellence means reaching for the greatest degree of self-fulfillment of which you are capable. Success in achieving excellence cannot always be measured by other people's assessment of you. Often, only you will know when you have done your best.
Trust, believe, have faith. Trust yourself to know what's right. Follow through to the best of your ability. Relax and have faith that things will work out for the best. Trusting yourself helps you to trust others. Trust and faith are the avenues by which your hopes and dreams are fulfilled.
Keep a light heart. The ability to enjoy life is a mark of healthy self-esteem. Good-natured humor and a willingness to laugh at yourself are refreshing and relaxing. In fact, the ability to laugh at yourself is a sign of good mental health. An ancient wise man said, "Laughter is like good medicine." A good sense of humor helps to heal the emotional wounds that you may have experienced in your life. Let the spontaneous child within you laugh, play, and have fun.
Be here now. Stay in the present moment. Avoid scattering your energies on too many things at once. Concentrate fully on one thing at a time. Concentration breeds success. Success breeds self-confidence. Many people spend much of their day regretting the past or worrying about the future. Reality is that yesterday cannot be changed, and tomorrow cannot be predicted. All you have at your disposal is the here and now. Learn to live each moment fully and well.
Behold beauty everywhere. Wherever you are, focus on what is noble and positive so that you may absorb these qualities. Share the everyday beauty of the world with those around you. Don't get so busy that you forget to "stop and smell the roses." Looking for the good in all people is a superb self-esteem builder. Will Rogers said, "I never met a man I didn't like." Accepting people as they are frees you to enjoy them in their uniqueness. Accepting others makes it easier for them to accept you.
Action Plan for Strengthening Self Esteem
Changing attitudes and behavior regarding how you see yourself and your world requires action. A belief system is best reinforced when your actions are consistent with your beliefs. To strengthen your beliefs about your own value as a person, try developing and following a plan of action.
(Overhead #8)
Find a model. Think of someone you know who has an abundance of the self-esteem trait you want to increase in yourself. Closely observe this person as the trait is expressed. You learned much of your behavior by observing your parents during your childhood. You still have the ability to learn through observation and imitation.
Use positive self-talk. Inside your head you constantly are talking to yourself. Pay attention to what you say to yourself. Keep your self-talk positive. Say things like: "I'm learning," "This is working well," "I can do it," "I am doing it" and "It feels great!" Some psychologists believe positive self-talk is one of the best ways to overcome many negative messages which you may have heard throughout your life. If you feel comfortable doing so, it is a good idea to verbalize positive self-talk aloud. It may feel awkward at first, but it works.
Visualize the new you. See yourself being exactly the way you would like to be. Let your worries go. Throughout the day, take a few seconds to calmly concentrate on your mental picture of success. Athletes learn to visualize themselves winning their event. Salespersons visualize themselves breaking company sales records. You can more closely achieve your ideal through positive visualization. Many challenges of your life can be overcome once you are able to remove the mental blocks to success.
QUICK QUESTIONS
(Overhead #9)
Answer the true or false questions on the screen. (Quick Question Answers provided below.)
T____ F____ 1. Self-esteem is so ingrained at an early age that it is impossible to change how you feel about yourself.
T____ F____ 2. Difficult situations and the hardships of life work to tear down your positive self-esteem.
T____ F____ 3. Mentally visualizing changes in yourself can help bring those changes about.
Quick Questions Answers Question 1. The answer is false (F). While change is sometimes difficult, humans do have the power of choice and the capacity to change. Question 2. The answer is false (F). Difficulties can certainly challenge your self-esteem, but they can also serve as opportunities for you to grow into a more fulfilled person. Question 3. The answer is true (T). The mind plays a powerful role in changing our self-esteem. Visualization has proven to be effective in achieving greater success in a variety of areas.
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Summary
Act as if. Today, start acting as if the above visualization is a reality. You're not pretending or being dishonest. You are practicing. Practice does make perfect. If you want to lose some weight, act as if you are already at your ideal weight. If you want a more positive attitude about your life, act as if you are already an optimist. If you want to attain a sense of joy and happiness, act as if you are already happy. This kind of practice sets the stage for your desires to become reality. Your behavior will more likely be consistent with what you imagine you are.
Research Resources
Alessandri, Steven M. (1992). Effects of maternal work status in single-parent families on children's perception of self and family and school achievement. Journal of Experimental Child Psychology; 54(3), 417-433.
Allen, Joseph P.; Hauser, Stuart T.; Bell, Kathy L.; O'Connor, Thomas G. (1994). Longitudinal assessment of autonomy and relatedness in adolescent-family interactions as predictors of adolescent ego development and self-esteem. Child-Development, 65(1), 179-194.
Chubb, Nancy H. & Fertman, Carl I. (1992). Adolescents' perceptions of belonging in their families. Families in Society, 73(7), 387-394.
Ganong, Lawrence H. & Coleman, Marilyn (1993). A meta-analytic comparison of the self-esteem and behavior problems of stepchildren to children in other family structures. Special Issue: The stepfamily puzzle: Intergenerational influences. Journal of Divorce and Remarriage, 19(3-4), 143-163.
Gecas, Viktor & Seff, Monica A. (1990). Social class and self-esteem: Psychological centrality, compensation, and the relative effects of work and home. Social Psychology Quarterly, 53(2), 165-173.
Killeen, Maureen R. (1993). Parent influences on children's self-esteem in economically disadvantaged families. Issues-in-Mental-Health-Nursing, 14(4), 323-336.
Lawler, John R.& Lennings, Chris J. (1992). Adolescent self concept, family type and conflict: An empirical investigation. Australian Journal of Marriage and Family, 13(2), 70-77.
Mahabeer, M. (1993). Correlations between mothers' and children's self-esteem and perceived familial relationships among intact, widowed, and divorced families. Psychological Reports, 73(2), 483-489.
Mazur, Elizabeth; Wolchik, Sharlene A.; & Sandler, Irwin N. (1992). Negative cognitive errors and positive illusions for negative divorce events: Predictors of children's psychological adjustment. Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology, 20(6), 523-542.
Nelson, Geoffrey (1993). Risk, resistance, and self-esteem: A longitudinal study of elementary school-aged children from mother custody and two-parent families. Journal of Divorce and Remarriage, 19(1-2), 99-119.
Salahu-Din, Sakinah N. & Bollman, Stephan R. (1994). Identity development and self-esteem of young adolescents in foster care. Child and Adolescent Social Work Journal, 11(2), 123-135.
PowerPoint Presentation for Overheads
Handout, My Cup Runneth Over
